Testimonials

        

NOT WHAT I ONCE WAS…

This is the short version of my journey, my walk, my path and God’s redemptive grace and my sanctification and salvation which resulted, as you will read in this story, not from my works but rather by faith in a second chance God! As my story unfolds you will know that but for the grace of God I would not be among you today much less leading this ministry.

Because my journey has been long, with many ups and downs and includes hundreds of people some Godly and others not so Godly, I will do my best to summarize the significant events of my life that lead me to where I am today.

I was born in central Florida back in the 50’s and from the moment I came into this world there was a struggle – as I nearly died at birth. I was merely the next in order of a long ancestral line of alcoholics. I think that they probably defined “dysfunctional family” after mine: my father was abusive, tough and often filled with alcohol. The result: I grew up as a scared, insecure, little boy, with so many fears and so much pain and nowhere to go with it. I was taught not to show my emotions because real men don’t cry. I got into a lot of fights and gained a reputation of being a mean kid.

Nothing really changed during my teenage years as I only began to grow up physically but not emotionally. It wasn’t until many years later that I realized through counseling and my walk with God that my emotions were basically frozen around 12 to 14 years of age. I couldn’t deal with the pain so I pushed my emotions deep; closed and locked the door on them and vowed that I would, never, ever allow anyone or anything to hurt me again. People could not be trusted and since God was some esoteric, celestial being who had bigger things to deal with than me and my problems, I decided that my fate was left to me. So I began the process of pushing myself to the limits in all phases of my life.

And while the accomplishments and accolades grew, so came the drinking and the renegade behavior! But then came the first “God interruption” just as I was planning to take my act to college: My first wife and I got pregnant in my senior year of high school. I’ll never forget the day: in the hall of our school, she was dialing the doctor for the news and I was for the second time in my life praying to God not to let this happen to me! He (God) did not hear me again (or so I thought at the time) as our suspicions were true: I was going to be a dad! 

From there and despite significant professional and financial successes, my life (saturated with alcohol and drugs) was a train wreck. I won’t bore you with all the gory details of my past but a quick inventory would reveal: multiple broken marriages, homes, families and hearts of children; a loss of the license to practice my profession; stab wounds to my face; I became homeless, jobless, and penniless; I had absolutely zero self-worth; I lived with immeasurable guilt and shame; my fears were more unfathomable than ever before; I had four trips to the emergency room – one of which I flat lined; I lost my only son; and I was incarcerated for four years in the state prison system;

I was spiritually, emotionally and physically bankrupt!  And In looking back over this period what I found interesting was that I could recall only praying to God only a few times (two were on my deathbed). I had lost all faith in Him. Thank God he did not give up on me.

 

Without money, job, family or much hope, God began to turn me into the person he wanted me to be … The result was that some years passed with long periods of sobriety but no recovery and at best a tentative, superficial walk with God and the same o’l habits, hang-ups and hurts. The result: my last relapse 5 years ago. Once again with all money, cars, planes, boats and tools I could ever had hoped I was broken, despondent and without hope. I ended up on a horse farm in Virginia to ride it on out and would have but for one Godly man, one Godly women and a small child.

 

As the story goes, I ended up at a spiritual men’s recovery center in Nashville where God wrapped me in his arms. There came that brief moment of clarity when I realized I had lost this worldly game of life, I was a complete and utter failure as this world would gage and I just knew that I could no longer go on. I fell to my knees and prayed to God to take my life. He did but not in the way I intended.

 

And at that very moment, I now realize, I had finally let go of “my stuff’, completely surrendered to Him and my spiritual journey (recovery) had begun. Soon thereafter things began to change. My life took new meaning and purpose; I learned to love people including those same people that had hurt me so badly; people began to forgive me and I began the period of what I call “redeemed relationships!”

 

And as time has passed and my life improved daily by working the spiritual steps of recovery, I came to know that:

 

(i)                 By letting go and trusting completely in God – the past is forgiven;

(ii)               By letting go and trusting completely in God – the present is manageable no matter what happens; and

(iii)             By letting go and trusting completely in God – the future is secure!

 

Upon this revelation, I began to cry uncontrollably as a sense of peacefulness came over me.  I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit welcoming home, safe and home at last! 

 

Today, as the journey continues I’m now aware (mostly because of you and others) of the changes in me and the result of those changes reflected on the environment around me. Changes in me have exposed the need for change in this world. Changes in how I view the world in and around me impact the way I walk with God.

 

Changes in how I view the world in its masked brokenness creates an uneasiness that only the Holy Spirit can understand. The ideas I have and perspectives I share are not what they once were. I’m not what I once was. Once my thoughts led me to believe I was a sinner, saved by grace. Sinner…! Yeah, it’s written all over my face. And although the later is true [saved by grace], I am far from the former. I now realize I am a child of Jesus who sometimes sins.

Jesus has released me from the affiliation with a “pauper mentality” that so easily stifles my growth, blots out my true identity and suffocates my light. I no longer camp out at the cross, but I jump for joy because He lives in me.

Life is too short to not show up. I try my best to always show up for the things that matter. Today, I show up for the one life I have been given and do my best to give away everything that I’ve been given – freely.  In return and without expectation, I have received more than you can ever imagine!

This life is a gift and what we do with it is a gift back to the Giver. Know that you will never see another moment like the one that’s happening right now. You will never be as youthful as you are at this very moment. The clock is ticking.

Some in life experience an event or crisis of some sort that changes the trajectory and outcome of the path chosen. My crisis left me standing alone, reflecting on who I was. Now I see I was only a mere shadow of who I would become.

I pray that you too will be compelled to be a change agent in the world you wish to see through my willingness to be vulnerable and transparent in my brokenness.  I pray that you will help others know Him…

Thank God for His risen Son. I am not what I once was…

 GOD BLESS YOU ALL!

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My name is Wayne Brooks; I am a believer of and in Jesus Christ. I have struggled with the afflictions and infirmities of:  alcoholism, anger, rebellion and to some extent, an unloving spirit.

 

I only drank about four times in high school. After all, I was a good boy and active in church. When I graduated from high school I didn’t have the money for college so I joined the Navy.  Basically, I spent 10 years in the Navy in a constant state of rebellion.  Also at the ripe old age of nineteen, I attended my first AA meeting.  After listening to some of the stories I could see WHERE I MIGHT HAVE A PROBLEM, but I WAS TOLD I did not have a problem–YET.  I was too young to have a problem.

 

 In 1968 I met and married my first wife.  In 1971 I got out of the Navy with an honorable discharge; but only one step ahead of a court martial, and two maybe three steps ahead of my bill collectors. From June of 1971 to July of 2003, I drank my way thru six lucrative careers, three marriages, way too many heart problems, and two geographical cures.  Oh, and yes I got a DUI.  In 2003, my cardiologist told me to stop working and file for disability. I was unemployed, I had $4.00 to my name and I was looking at a minimum of six months before my disability would start.  This could be a PROBLEM.  However, Jehovah Jireh, came on the scene.

 

I have remained sober since 2003.  In 2007, I married Jeaney, the help mate that the Lord provided.  From 2007 to date, my wife and I have worked with Pathways to Health; a healing ministry.  I focus on addictions.  We also work with Discover Recovery. 

 

Since I have returned to my walk with the Lord I have been blessed many times over in ways too numerous to list here.  All of them pale in comparison to the blessing I have received in Jeaney and many others which I have omitted because of the necessitated brevity of this testimony. As much as my wife and many others have done to help me, all of their help pale in comparison to what the Lord has done for me. 

 

Yours in Christ,

 

Wayne

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Hi, my name is Bonni. I am a faithful believer in Jesus who is in recovery for enabling behaviors (co-dependency).

 

As far back as I can remember, I had struggled with low self-esteem. My mother was very critical and judgmental. I know that my mother loved me in her own way, but she was overly strict. Control issues and lack of appropriate boundaries were the running themes in my family.

 

I found out, later, that my mother had an addictive personality, resulting in my getting the messages of “Don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel.” My father was not particularly assertive, so he enabled my mother to raise the children and did not argue with how she dealt with us. I know now that my mother’s affection was based on my performance, as she would emotionally reject me, if I did something with which she disagreed. I found my role, in the family, was one of a “good girl,” in order to gain love and acceptance.

 

The earliest memory of my personal co-dependency was crying for my brother whenever my mother and brother would be in conflict, which happened quite often. I mostly focused on what other people were feeling, but stuffed my feelings down deep inside.

 

This same brother had asthma, contributing to my parents’ focused attention on him, leaving me to fend for myself at an early age. I learned, at a very young age, not to ask for my needs to be met. I made my own cold breakfasts, before I was school-age and taught myself to cook, by the time I was in the first grade.

 

At the age of eight, I became a Christ-follower, but did not understand leaning on Christ as my Higher Power. I followed all the legalistic messages that were taught in my church, and at home, thinking that God must only be pleased with me if I tried hard to be good, on my own.

 

When I was ten, I began watching my mother model anxiety and fear over my father’s heart surgeries, strokes and his attempts to stop smoking. When I was 12, my older brother got suspended, from high school, because of using drugs. By then, my co-dependency issues were in full swing.

 

When I was 17, I left home for a faith-based college. Four days later, I met the man who, later, became my first husband. He, like my mother, had an addictive personality, so I instantly felt attracted to him. He told me that he had been miraculously healed from many addictions, but he still had the anger and control issues because he did not go to recovery. We got married, the next year, and had two kids by the time I was 20.

 

For much of that marriage, I was unhappy, but did not understand why, because I was in such denial. This man began hanging out with his old friends and started drinking, smoking marijuana, going to strip clubs, spending more money than we had, had trouble keeping jobs, manipulated his parents for money and started fights with me and with others. I was still in denial because he could easily convince me that the problem was never him; that it was with everyone else, including me. I believed him.

 

I attempted, several times, to leave this man, but gave in to his crying and would stay. Finally, during one argument, he screamed, “I want a divorce!” I said, “You’ve got it!” and didn’t take him back. I was still in denial about many of his issues (and mine). I thought that, if I got rid of him, my problems would go away. I know that they didn’t because I found myself dating “the same man, with a different face,” so to speak. I was attracted to other men, with addictive personalities, and this had to stop.

 

My older sister gave me several books on co-dependency and I began to work on myself. I started with those books, over 17 years ago, because I didn’t have the money for counseling. This led to other self-help books that helped me take ownership of my own issues and become an emotionally healthier person.

 

In 1998, I married a wonderful man, Mike. I know that if I had not worked on myself, I would not have been attracted to this healthier person and he wouldn’t have been attracted to me.

 

Over the years, I went to counseling, and then became a counselor to help others who have been in the same situation as me. In 2005, I continued to grow by facilitating books by John Townsend and Henry Cloud called Boundaries and Safe People. Beginning in the spring of 2010, I started getting involved in the Discover Recovery ministry and doing more in-depth work through a Celebrate Recovery step group.

 

I am thankful that God has produced real change in me, and He continues to lead my personal growth as I seek Him. I know miracles can happen if we lean on Him and trust the process.

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I was a slave to drugs, and Gods promises set me free from that enslavement; He can do the same for you! He wants to remove our “slave bands”. God is greater and more powerful than any addiction we may have. All we have to do is believe and ask and He will save us…He did it for me and He WILL do it for you!

 

What a beautiful occurrence it is when God speaks directly to you. In the depth of my cocaine and heroin addiction that is exactly what happened to me. I had been crying out for so long for the strength to pull myself out of what felt like the pits of hell, and God spoke to me.  This is what he said “Wake up, wake up, O Cynthia! Clothe yourself with strength. Put on your beautiful clothes, for unclean and godless people will no longer enter your gates. Rise from the dust, O Jerusalem. Remove the slave bands from your neck, O captive daughter of Zion”. (Isaiah 52:1-2).
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In His Light,
Cynthia

 

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